August 11-15, 2014
While the Discovery Channel attempted to terrify you with fanciful tales about extinct monster sharks with six-inch-long teeth, LWON focused on smaller, cuddlier, but still deadly beasts. Yes, it’s Snark Week at LWON. “Remember,” Erik says, “just because something is fluffy and adorable doesn’t mean it’s not secretly plotting to kill you in terrible and gruesome ways.”
Erik introduces us to the devil rodents with rust orange teeth that are wreaking havoc in America’s wetlands. (And also slitting people’s throats.) “According to one Louisiana expert, nutrias have been known to attack whole Girl Scout troops at a time.”
Think chicks are cuddly and cute? Ann doesn’t. Because she knows they turn into G-D chickens. “If you don’t believe that T. Rexes evolved into birds, just look into the cold, mean, stupid, reptilian eye of a chicken. And those eyes are windows into loathsome souls.” Tell us how you really feel, Annie.
Moose are a terrifying combination: huge, fast, and exceedingly dopey. They kill more people in Alaska than bears. And though they’re not naturally aggressive, they can — and sometimes will — stomp people to death. When they’re really mad, Christie says, they’ll smack their lips. But she has some useful advice: “If you’re close enough to see a moose smacking its lips, you’re too damn close.”
Beneath his house, Craig has “a horde of blood-thirsty, mad-eyed squirrels” hell-bent on world domination. And only Craig’s kids can figure out how to derail their dastardly plot.
Last, but not least, Abstruse Goose knows just how our our feline friends will take their sweet, sweet revenge.