Fear the Deer: A Comprehensive Ranking of Cinematic Roadkill

By the time you finish reading this paragraph, somewhere in America, someone — a long-haul trucker cruising a lonely highway in Iowa, a soccer dad piloting his Subaru through the Virginia suburbs, a lawyer commuting to her office in Atlanta or Bismarck or Madison — will have hit a white-tailed deer. Since the mid-20th century, a period of exponential growth for both Odocoileus virginianus and Homo automobilis, the Deer-Vehicle Collision has been a staple of modernity. Drivers hit more than a million white-tails every year, accidents that cost the public billions in hospital bills and vehicle repairs. In the wolfless East, cars are practically the only predators deer have.

No wonder, then, that the deerkill has become an enduring pop-cultural trope, as ubiquitous onscreen as in real life. Ryan Reynolds kills a white-tail in gratuitous fashion in The Voices; Oscar Isaac and Jessica Chastain do the deed in A Most Violent Year. Deer crashes have been played for horror, as in The Ring 2, and for comedy, as on The Simpsons. Some representations defy the laws of physics; some are pointlessly cruel; some feature Tom Green. Nearly all involve the weaponization of a buck’s antlers, even though hunting pressure tends to skew sex ratios toward does. Cars and animals fly into the air as easily as kite surfers. 

Despite the many duds, the annals of entertainment history contain the occasional roadkill masterpiece. In recognition of these gems, I’ve developed a precise, novel, and extremely science-based cinematic DVC ranking system. After some intensive YouTube perusal, I scored DVC scenes from film and television in four categories, each of which was worth ten points, for a total of forty possible points. Why forty? Why not? 

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Bad homonyms, or, things not to say to a British person

Several years ago the Economist published a chart for American expats in the UK. It disambiguated what British people say from what Americans hear them say. For example, “you’re very brave” does not mean “I think you are brave” when a Brit says it. It is more likely to mean “you are insane.”

I had been living on this small island for a year before I saw that article, and it took another year for me to digest that it was an entirely serious public service announcement, not the Economist uncharacteristically swerving into surrealist humour. Suddenly I was haunted by the number of the times I had been told I was “very brave”.

But these misunderstanding go both ways. How often I, an American, would say words that seemed completely uncontroversial, and bring conversations to a screeching, echoing halt.

Today I’d like to share a decade of hard-won knowledge with any desperate expats now suffering through that same confusion. Think of it as the obscure sequel to the above guide. I hope that the following selection of “bad homonyms” helps you understand why the words you’re using to speak to British people so often elicit twitching and grimaces.

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Redux: A Baffling Curio

quodlibet1 cropped

Very occasionally, a post we write here is, unbeknownst to us, incomplete. It will only be concluded by our readers, who finish the job in the comments section. On August 28, 2015, I posed a mystery in the form of a very old document, and I thought I had more or less solved that riddle in the article, until I read the startling and charming comment by Becky below it. All this to say, read on to find the answer in the comments!

Here is the original article, A Baffling Curio.

Speaking of the Trees

For the love of trees and their leafy kin, and with Australia’s horrendous fires on my mind, here’s a piece I wrote a few years ago about the surprising capabilities of plants that make their burning especially sad. Meanwhile, researchers continue to uncover remarkable details about plants’ lives, as in this report about their (almost human?) physiological/chemical responses to attack and injury, and this about the botanical version of a cry of distress. Plus, everyone is raving about this book--I haven’t read it yet but it’s on my list!

As for the fires here in the U.S.? Unfortunately, they’ll be back soon.


The fires, the fires. When I started writing this some weeks back there were 137 of them torching forests across the American West. There are many fewer now—thank firefighters and weather—but so far they’ve consumed some 8.5 million acres of trees, some of them old growth, many of them on parkland filled with wildlife. British Columbia, too, has seen more fire destruction in recent months than anyone alive can recall. While massive hurricanes and flood waters and devastating earthquakes have steered our collective empathy to the south, parts of the Northwest smolder on.

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Once a Wolf

Back in January of 2014, I wrote a guest post for LWON about a morning with a dog and here it is again, slightly fixed up. 

A neighbor dog and I walk up a snow-crusted hill together. Glossy black lab mad for sticks and balls, he hasn’t forgotten how to travel with a human in the woods. He ranges forward and back, and side to side, sniffing and sussing the hilly woodlands.

Not every day is it a mountain lion, or a bear pawing the ground. Most days I see only piñons and juniper trees, maybe a jay flying by, or a deer staring back at me. High mesas in Western Colorado each have their own daily surprises. Today is the dog.

I am not used to traveling with a domestic animal, unless you count my kids who also clobber the ground and run from side to side. I’d just moved with my family into a house tucked into a geographic platform extending above the North fork of the Gunnison River. The morning’s walk is unfamiliar, these hills new to me. Having a dog tickles an old sensation in my head, going somewhere new with an animal at your side.

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Antack!

A partially fictionalized diary of antvasion

Sept. 15

Line of small black ants across the kitchen floor. Origin and destination unclear. Some have abdomens cocked upward at a jaunty angle, like ant hotrods. This makes them look more aggressive and hooligany somehow.

Gone before noon, as if they had never been.

Sept. 16

(Forget about ants)

Sept. 26

Go backpacking to commune with nature and mountains. Larches turning gold around a clear lake. Fog scudding along the shores. Brutal wind that snaps tent pole at midnight and sucks away all prospect of sleep. Feel awesome about nature and mountains anyway.

Oct. 1

Make kale salad and leave leaf crumbs on kitchen island for a few hours. Scattered ants probe debris. Gone again after wipe down. Notice a smell—sickly sweet, with a licorice edge—when I crush some. Perusing the internet, I discover my guests may be odorous house ants, also known as coconut ants, although scientists have undertaken the very serious business of classifying smushed ant smell and have landed on blue cheese.

Blue cheese ants.

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New Person of LWON: Jane Hu

Please welcome Jane C. Hu, a talented journalist whose voicy, insightful writing you may already know from her work in Slate’s Future Tense. Or maybe you have taken her science writing class at the University of Washington. If not, I dare you to read her cover story in the February issue of High Country News and not marvel at her storytelling skills. Jane has a PhD in cognitive science, and she is a longtime LWON associate, having written guest posts about earthquake preparedness and about the untracked life.

Can’t wait to read her first post? See below!

Scooped

There’s a certain jolt that accompanies a good story idea. For me, it’s a physical sensation, as if I can feel my brain clicking all the right pieces into place. In a fleeting instant, I see the whole thing: the plot, the characters, the conflict, the brilliant overarching themes that really say something about our world. Of course, that vision falls apart as soon as I sit down to get it all on paper, but I’m always chasing that feeling.

In summer 2018, I was convinced that my next story was going to be about Bigfoot.

I saw some folks in a Facebook group talking about an upcoming Bigfoot expedition in the Olympic range, and that sent me down a day-long rabbit hole. I joined a Bigfoot Facebook group, I read about the group spearheading the expeditions, I scoured Reddit forums, I read first-person accounts of Big Foot encounters. My vision was to write a feature centered around a Bigfoot expedition that was at once scientifically rigorous and respectful of the Bigfoot researcher community. I imagined profiling expeditioners and researchers about why they search for Bigfoot in hopes of getting at how we form and hold on to beliefs, even if others don’t agree with us.

For weeks, I mulled over the best way to contact Bigfoot researchers. As an outsider, I knew it’d be a process to build trust with the right people. As a sign of respect, I wanted to make sure I knew enough about the key issues in the community before jumping in. The summer turned into fall, and other projects stole my attention; fall turned into winter. I let the idea simmer.

Like everything else in the world, writing follows the laws of physics: every action has an equal and opposite reaction. The flip of the great-idea-jolt is the sinking disappointment upon discovering someone has gotten to “my” story first. I can’t remember how I heard about Laura Krantz’s Wild Thing, a podcast about the hunt for Big Foot, but I do remember immediately thinking: Damnit, I should’ve worked faster. For a moment, I mourned “my” idea, then settled in to listen to the first episode.

A few minutes in, we learn that Krantz’s grandpa’s cousin, Grover Krantz, was a widely respected Big Foot researcher. A-ha, I thought, a way in! Surely, that gave her a boost, but after listening to the first season, it’s clear Krantz had done her homework. She identifies the various “factions” of Bigfoot enthusiasts, and carefully breaks down Bigfoot researchers’ work in the context of modern science. The result is far better than anything I could’ve hoped to make. It’s one of those masterworks that I imagine come to a person once or maybe twice in a lifetime, if you’re lucky: a story you’re uniquely positioned to tell, executed perfectly.

After devouring the podcast, I thought about how funny it was that Krantz and I had circled around the same ideas and thoughts independently, but she actually saw the idea through. (Not only that, but given the timing of the podcast, she’d likely done all her reporting before I even first thought of it.) And from that, she created something wonderful that I could enjoy without having to do the hard work. 

A more recent instance of this illuminated what was wrong about my failed story idea. In 2015, I heard that Answers In Genesis, the creators of Kentucky’s Creation Museum, was building a replica of Noah’s Ark with a theme park inside, and I had a half-baked idea for a feature on the park’s museum curators and designers who built the ark: how does one reconcile creationism and the modern science you’d use to build a life-size ark and its exhibits? I let the idea languish for years; in that time, the Ark was built and there’s now a documentary about it called We Believe in Dinosaurs.

The documentary took that inkling I had — profiling the people who work in Ark Encounter — and made it much richer by also showcasing the park’s wider-reaching societal impacts. Ark Encounter was originally set to receive tax breaks from the state of Kentucky, despite the company’s religion-heavy standards for hiring, and scientists and activists have been vocal about this use of government funds. The documentarians also interviewed people living in Williamstown, a city just down the street from the Ark Encounter who sold Answers in Genesis the land for the park for just $1, based partly on the promise that the attraction would increase tourism in town. (Spoiler: Townfolk say that tourism hasn’t materialized.) It was clear that the documentary-makers had spent hundreds if hundreds if not thousands of hours interviewing sources, and following developments in Kentucky over the years, something I wouldn’t be able to commit to, and the result is a film that presents the people and politics of Kentucky with more nuance than most others I’ve seen.

I’ll admit that while watching, I realized I still wasn’t quite over “my” idea. There was one scene where the documentary-makers introduce a pastor who had been vocally opposed to creationist beliefs, and it took me a second to process my shock: I’d seen that pastor give a couple sermons last year, because he’s the pastor at the church I grew up going to. As he spoke, the stained-glass windows behind him looked the same as they did every Sunday I spent there, the same as they did when I was baptized in the small room behind them. If only I’d followed the thread of this story, I may have found myself back in familiar territory, at this church! But I didn’t, and they did. On to the next one.

Bigfoot photo by Flickr user Joe Shlabotnik.