The Last Word

By: | August 16, 2014

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August 11-15, 2014

While the Discovery Channel attempted to terrify you with fanciful tales about extinct monster sharks with six-inch-long teeth, LWON focused on smaller, cuddlier, but still deadly beasts. Yes, it’s Snark Week at LWON. “Remember,” Erik says, “just because something is fluffy and adorable doesn’t mean it’s not secretly plotting to kill you in terrible and gruesome ways.”

Erik introduces us to the devil rodents with rust orange teeth that are wreaking havoc in America’s wetlands. (And also slitting people’s throats.) “According to one Louisiana expert, nutrias have been known to attack whole Girl Scout troops at a time.”

Think chicks are cuddly and cute? Ann doesn’t. Because she knows they turn into G-D chickens. “If you don’t believe that T. Rexes evolved into birds, just look into the cold, mean, stupid, reptilian eye of a chicken. And those eyes are windows into loathsome souls.” Tell us how you really feel, Annie.

Moose are a terrifying combination: huge, fast, and exceedingly dopey. They kill more people in Alaska than bears. And though they’re not naturally aggressive, they can — and sometimes will — stomp people to death. When they’re really mad, Christie says, they’ll smack their lips. But she has some useful advice: “If you’re close enough to see a moose smacking its lips, you’re too damn close.”

Beneath his house, Craig has “a horde of blood-thirsty, mad-eyed squirrels” hell-bent on world domination. And only Craig’s kids can figure out how to derail their dastardly plot.

Last, but not least, Abstruse Goose knows just how our our feline friends will take their sweet, sweet revenge.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Snark Week: Look Who’s Hell Bent on World Domination

By: | August 14, 2014

Scary SquirrelThe most often asked for bedtime tale from my children is a “Squirrel Story.” I’ve written a book about animal encounters in the wild, but this is a whole different matter. As the kids scoot beneath their covers, I tell them about a horde of blood-thirsty, mad-eyed squirrels who’ve built an enormous warren beneath our house called Squirrel Haven. In their secret lair they have laboratories and campaign chambers where they plot how to get my family out of our house so that they can take over, free to leave their robust turds on every dish, ripping our home apart from the inside out. Ostensibly, they are trying to rule the world by unleashing terrifying genetic experiments, building a giant metal squirrel robot, or capturing squirrel farts in balloons and sending them to the surface. But really, before taking over the world, they have to first conquer our house.

These stories are not unfounded. We have a squirrel problem. They’ve chewed holes in every window screen to gain access. One day I walked outside and counted five squirrels on my car, chewing at the weather stripping around my windows. They want in. Nothing will stop them. One summer we live-trapped almost 30 of these marauding beasts, giving each a spot of spray paint before hauling them miles away. The marked individuals never reappeared, yet the population did not appear to diminish. They produce two litters a year, nine young per litter. You do the math, there is no stopping them. Continue reading →

Snark Week: Moose are dopey and dangerous!

By: | August 13, 2014

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They look so docile, but don’t be fooled. “Assume every moose is a serial killer standing in the middle of the trail with a loaded gun,” says Alaska wildlife biologist Jessy Coltrane. They may be cute in a dopey sort of way, but moose are also huge and powerful. Females weigh between 700 and 1,100 pounds and bulls can hit 900 to 1,400 pounds on the scale. Considering their bulk, moose are remarkably fast runners — their top running speed can hit 30 miles per hour. 

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Moose injure more people in Alaska each year than bears. While some of these injuries stem from collisions with motor vehicles, moose also stomp and kick and these hoof swats can kill. In 1995, a moose stomped to death a 71-year-old man on the University of Alaska-Anchorage campus. What makes moose so statistically dangerous is their numbers. They’re more numerous than grizzly bears and more likely to wander into urban areas. Continue reading →

Snark Week: Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Back Into the Henhouse

By: | August 12, 2014

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Our continuing public service for those trusting souls who think animals are cute and loving: a full week of the horrifying truth.

595428651_45febde0f8_bI grew up on a small farm where we raised chickens.  I didn’t always  think they were repulsive.  When I was around 10, I had a 4-H project for which I raised chickens from the get-go; we already had a laying flock but the project was part of my training as a farm kid. Baby chicks are some of the cutest babies on earth, so soft and light you hardly knew you were holding them, making inquisitive little squeaks — eep? eep?  When I turned the lights out on the brooder, where they spent the cold  nights, they’d peep like crazy EEP EEP EEP then all fall asleep at the same minute. Eventually they grew up and began laying – or swanning around being roosters – and only then did I take a good look at their eyes.  They looked back with no interest; in fact, change our relative sizes and they could kill me or not, they didn’t care. If you don’t believe that T. Rexes evolved into birds, just look into the cold, mean, stupid, reptilian eye of a chicken. Continue reading →

Snark Week: Evil Has a New Name – and Buck Teeth

By: | August 11, 2014
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The sun hangs low over the bayou, wavering in the humid evening horizon. Sweat pours off your face as you struggle see into the underbrush. And suddenly you hear it. A rustling in the bushes that turns your veins to ice. “Please, sweet Jesus,” you whisper, “be something else. Please, not here. Not now.”

But it’s too late. You know you’re trapped and your simpering prayers can’t help you. That scene from The Princess Bride – the one in the Fire Swamp – keeps running through your brain as if on a loop. And just then, from the bushes it walks into the clearing. You find yourself face to face with a creature of children’s nightmares.

Continue reading →

Introducing Snark Week, Vol. 2

By: | August 11, 2014

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Welcome to LWON’s second annual Snark Week! In celebration of the responsible and informative shark documentaries on basic cable this week, we have decided to offer five counter stories that will frighten you even more than a great white shark that’s been artificially driven into a frenzy by cameramen chumming the water. Remember, just because something is fluffy and adorable doesn’t mean it’s not secretly plotting to kill you in terrible and gruesome ways.

The Last Word

By: | August 9, 2014

trout finAugust 4 – 8, 2014

Richard and Ann disagree informatively about the nature of a science writer’s duty toward truth and its embellishments. There is a glimmer of hope when Richard strikes on the thought that science writers share subjective truths, whereas scientists have a duty to be objective. Ann disagrees. The debate rages on in our virtual LWON offices.

Some collect flag badges on their backpacks. Helen collects bird species, instead, to tell her where she’s been. Still other people have strong feelings and associations with odd and even numbers, as Cameron’s family schedule demonstrates, in all of its adorable oddness.

Michelle has found that in some instances, fish population numbers and haul volumes tell you more about human quality of life than other economic indicators. Speaking of fish, I test my dad’s theory about the baby fish he buys from hatcheries and pours into lakes to fend for themselves.

Image: Shutterstock