Desperately Seeking the Unforseen

When I pull into the boat ramp parking lot, it’s just after midnight. It should be deserted. Nobody goes night boating. But my headlights illuminate a red sedan parked hood to the woods. I can’t tell if it’s occupied. The windows are dark. My brain tries to make it make sense. You can’t pull a boat with a sedan. Teenage lovers? A person taking a night hike? Murderer?

I park a couple of spots away and debate my next step. I have driven three hours north into an area that a light pollution map promised would be dark. I’m here to catch a glimpse of the northern lights. The map did not lie. It is dark. But I am now 89% sure my spontaneous trip north will end in dismemberment. 



1. Do I exit the vehicle?

2. Do I leave and drive home?

Choose your own adventure!

Continue reading

The Other Side of Silence

One morning a few years ago, I woke to find I had lost most of the hearing in my left ear. In place of my usual acoustic environment was a high electronic ringing—eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—as if a giant TV had been left on mute. Me being me, I assumed the issue would work itself out, but when it didn’t after a couple of weeks I turned to the professionals. Several thousand dollars, a couple of minor surgeries, and an MRI later, the professionals could only tell me that I didn’t have cancer. As to why my hearing was gone? Maybe a dormant virus was to blame, they said, or maybe it was stress-related, but, really, they had no idea.

I tried a hearing aid. It didn’t take. My right ear can still hear fine, so the shrill metallic device-amplified sound was more distracting than clarifying. The tinnitus was so awful at first that I wondered how I would ever stand it, but eventually I got used to it, just like the internet assured me I would. In general I have tried to make do as best I can. This mostly entails positioning myself on peoples’ left sides so they’re always talking into my right ear. In conversation I feel like one of those text prediction programs, often with the same comically dreadful results. I say, “I’m sorry?” a lot. The entire episode has left me feeling somewhat separated from the world, since I can understand at best about two-thirds of what is going on around me.

I mention all of this because the Magellanic penguin colony in Argentina where I work can be an exceptionally noisy place. As members of the Spheniscus genus, Magellanic penguins are informally known as jackass penguins due to the donkey-like bray of their territorial call, or ecstatic display. Gather several hundred thousand of these ecstatic brayers into a single area, let them call day and night, and the effect is quite something. All the individual voices blend together, the chorus rolling over you in waves of sound, so loud that even I can hear them at our field house nearly half a mile away. The penguins and their constant noise somehow manage to drown out all the sounds I can’t hear, and I love them for it.

Continue reading

Sinking Feelings

A wall covered in dire wolf skulls

I have never fallen into quicksand, but like most people, I have been anxious about it at least several times in my life. You have too, right? It’s a real thing — you can be sucked down into the soft liquefied Earth unexpectedly, on hikes or on random walks. One of my friends fell into quicksand in Utah, and she is always prepared, so she knew exactly what to do: move your legs slowly and deliberately, in small, tightly controlled steps. Lay down to spread out your weight. Though it’s counterintuitive, get closer to the ground that is consuming you. Do not waste your energy by struggling mightily to get out, because you will only make it worse. Relax your mind and your body, and you will be released. The point is, the way out is not what your instincts might be screaming at you.

Once upon a time, a lot of animals fell into a similar trap and they did struggle. Millions upon millions of them perished in a field of muck, and now we go visit their skulls and rib cages mounted on plinths in the middle of Los Angeles. 

The La Brea Tar Pits and Museum is not a place of quicksand, but of something scarier: reeking asphalt, burbling up from a fissure in our planet, the same one that gives us earthquakes in Southern California. The asphalt is made of the remains of past algae and animals, and it will never tire of swallowing life.

The most interesting thing I learned from the La Brea Tar Pits museum came from my friend (and friend of LWON) Katharine Gammon. There are hardly any nocturnal animal fossils in the collection. This took my breath away. 

In the absence of the sun, the asphalt leaking up through Earth’s crust would cool slightly and solidify, so nocturnal animals weren’t as often trapped in the sticky tar. When the sun reappeared to warm the world, the asphalt grew gooey again, and crepuscular and diurnal mammals became the main victims. The danger might have been more visible by late afternoon. But during the early morning crepuscular time, leaf litter could have covered softer parts of the tar pits and kept them insulated — and warmer. When lots of large herbivorous mammals were out and about in the dawn hour, they would walk over the soft parts and get trapped. 

You would be amazed by the sheer volume of Pleistocene megafauna that scientists have exhumed from La Brea. Mastodons; camels; saber-tooth cats; scimitar-tooth cats; American lions that look like Mufasa and not the panthers that roam here now; dire wolves, real ones; familiar faces like pronghorn, mule deer, and elk; and I lost track of how many others. I looked for Rodents Of Unusual Size, but just saw a few usual-sized ones.

The museum even has a sadly realistic tableau of a mastodon stuck in the tar, sinking down, and calling out to its family on the edge of a pond. Such large beasts, ready for the taking, would obviously have tempted predators and scavengers, but the cats and wolves hoping to feast on the trapped other creatures were trapped too. The museum has several specimens of Smilodon fatalis, the truly awesome saber-tooth cat. Millions of fossils have been disinterred from La Brea. But they include only a few raccoons and other denizens of the night. 

To survive the toxic morass of La Brea, large daytime animals would have been better off walking around at night. The sunshine is what exposed them, while the cool darkness of night could have helped them not only hide, but to quietly survive the quagmire. They might have been better off adapting a new strategy to survive. The point is, the way to safety might not have been what their instincts were telling them. 

I am not saying we should not struggle at all. We want to fight to survive, and it’s hard to turn off that instinct. I am saying we should think about other ways to struggle, which might be counterintuitive but more effective. Getting safe might look a little different than we expect. The bog will not stop trying to destroy us, so we have to be creative. We have to be lithe and loose, quick-footed, maybe a little sneaky, maybe hew a bit closer to the darkness than we’re used to. There are ways out of every quagmire.

Top image: By the author
Middle image: Wikimedia Commons

Ice Skating: an Overanalysis

Skating monster by Hieronymus Bosch, Wikimedia Commons

 This first ran January 3, 2019. I don’t know if Emily ever bought disability insurance or not. — Ed.

“This is a nightmare,” I said to my boyfriend as we walked up to a skating rink in El Dorado Hills, California. The “Family Friendly Winter Wonderland” was in a shopping mall surrounded by faux-Tuscan mansions, and the rink was packed from barrier to barrier. Pete promised peppermint bark and beer if I stuck with our plan, though, so we went ahead and rented skates.

A miniature choo-choo train chugged around the perimeter of the rink, packed with gleeful little boys. Parents lounged around the rinkside bar, day-drinking under heat lamps. No one else seemed concerned about the list of sponsors on the rink’s barrier: Marshall Medical Center, Thayer General Surgery, the West Coast Joint and Spine Center.

When Pete asked me to go ice skating with him over the Christmas holiday, I feigned excitement. Pete grew up in rural Pennsylvania and learned to ice skate as a kid. I grew up near Sacramento, California, where it hardly ever snows. Despite living an hour away from ski resorts in Tahoe, I have never mastered any sport that involves attaching blades, boards or wheels to my feet.

I wanted to be enthusiastic. But then — perhaps my fellow science journalists will relate to this  — I made the mistake of entering “ice skating” into PubMed, the United States National Library of Medicine’s online database.

Continue reading

Spring: The Season of Hope

Oh Spring! It’s a season of contrast. Winter has ended (unless you live in Colorado, as I do, and winter continues to return until you’ve mowed the lawn at least once or twice). It’s a time of renewal, when dormant things come back to life. It’s also a time of change and anticipation and unsettledness. 

One April day, I published a story about suicide in which the headline writers highlighted data showing that suicides peak in the spring. Researchers don’t know why this is, but I’ve noticed that I tend to get a weird bout of ennui or even mild depression in the spring for no particular reason. It never lasts, and it always confounds me, because I love the sense of possibility and renewal that spring heralds. 

I live on a small farm and orchard, and right now it’s a magical place, full of blooming fruit trees and the wondrous fragrance of fruit blossoms. Walking through our orchard when the trees are blooming is one of the things that make me most grateful to be alive. Apricot blooms are my favorite fragrance, but plums are not far behind. Pear trees have a distinct, but less sweet aroma, and the cherry trees are nice, but lag behind the others. Although I enjoy comparing the aroma of the various blooms, what’s most important is to take a moment to appreciate how fortunate I am to be here to experience these natural wonders. I love to stand beneath an apricot tree in bloom, close my eyes and take in the fragrance while listening to the buzz of pollinators visiting the blooms.

The last 100 days have been a doozy (history will have things to say) and I’m trying to lean into the possibilities that spring brings. No matter how bad things seem, the future is not written yet, and it’s important to remember that when you’re tempted to lose hope.

Continue reading

Wait, is life just hard?

In the last two years I’ve had a number of stressful experiences. And every time I’ve realized: I am really suffering, but this is a very normal experience. People do these things all the time. How did I not realize how amazingly tough all these people are?

For example: my parents both died, about 7 months apart. And I looked around at all my friends who had lost both parents and I thought, how?? How are they just walking around out here like life goes on? And they were like, yeah, we don’t know either.

And then last summer I got a dog. He is the love of my life and the sweetest little man to ever walk this Earth, unless you happen to be sitting in a desk chair when he thinks you should be playing with him, or you approach his door, or you happen to be another dog. And he gets sick (in expensive ways) and he needs to be walked, like, all the time. And I look around me at all these parents and I think: People have actual! human! children! HOW? And they tell me, well, children grow up; dogs are always toddlers. Yeah, but you can legally leave a dog at home alone for hours at a time and feed it dry food out of a bag.

Did you know some people have dogs and children? While holding down full-time jobs? They deserve medals.

Currently I’m engaging in another stressful life event: Moving. I more or less moved in with my boyfriend a year ago, but now I’m finally getting out of my apartment, which I had lived in since 2007. I am physically and emotionally exhausted from sorting all of my belongings and have pains in surprising places. Did you know that some people move more frequently than once every 18 years? I guess these people don’t have 8,000 craft supplies and books, but still, how?

My fellow humans, you are doing some really stressful stuff and making it look easy. I appreciate you. Hang in there.

Photo: Helen Fields, obviously. I dismantled this diorama on Saturday, 11 years after my friends and I made it. Read about it here: Do Peepguins Need Sweaters?

Gen-X-istential Dread

Can I just say this? Those of us born in the 1960s and ‘70s are in a special hell right now. With jobs being taken away and careers being cut short and talents losing out to “influencers” and AI and Bots that Chat, it’s been a uniquely painful time. Those in my generation who chose artistic-scientific careers are facing a one-two kick to the groin, as we see the abandonment of the analog world that shaped our life choices combined with powerful men making those choices moot and the same powerful men gutting science as we know it. As our skills lose their value and a band of merry narcissists take aim at everything we’ve accomplished, our careers are fizzling, our identities crumbling.

One excellent writer I know is gainfully employed…teaching AI how to write more like a human. We are training our replacements. We have no choice. I’m trying to see it as progress but I’m just not there yet.

Continue reading

Escape from the Wonder Killer


Going into nature, how long does it take till you feel like you’re there? There meaning not sending emails in your head and not wincing at shifts of temperature or humidity when sun turns to rain? There’s a comfort that comes over you. Hands and the heart are no longer so far apart and pulling a thorn out of your flesh is an afterthought.

Working a Grand Canyon rafting trip this month, I listened to familiar conversation from participants, some mentioning it takes a day or two to let their shoulders down. On day five some are still trying to shake the digital wiring that’s seized our analog minds. On longer trips, by ten days the most tech-hardened have given themselves over to sun-time and star positions. By day twenty-one you’d swear you’ve always belonged here.

When I left the river to hike back to civilization, the guide on the oars who dropped me off along with several others shouted, “Don’t let the wonder killer get you!”

Continue reading