Ode to materialism

When I lived in a small town in Colorado, I knew a woman who most people would describe as a hoarder. She made her home in a log cabin not far from a winding river, under ragged cottonwood trees that shed downy tufts in early summer, and showers of gold each autumn. You could see all the this-and-thats stacked high against the windows where the curtains didn’t cover, all the way up to a shipstyle porthole on the second floor. The overall impression was that the cabin sloshed nearly to its brims with things.

Her airstream out front was full of dressers and armoires. Her backyard was like a sculpture garden for the partially broken mundane. A trampoline. Odds and ends of lumber. Stacks of salvaged tile. She told me once that she was storing six clawfoot bathtubs. Sometimes, she’d find a dress or a pair of pants she thought would strike my fancy, load it into a salvaged plastic grocery bag, and hang it from my gate latch for me to find when I came home from work.

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The Anarchical Absurdity of Mary Poppins

Last week, on a day off from school for teacher planning, or something, I took my daughter to a daytime performance of Mary Poppins. It was the Broadway version and it was the highlight of her fall so far. And mine, let’s just be honest here. I love Mary Poppins. I love her ridiculous hat and I love her aphorisms (“enough is as good as a feast,” “we are not a codfish,” and so forth have been known to spill forth from my own lips) and I love her Firm But Kind style of child-rearing. And my daughter loves her too.

Mary Poppins is super silly. But she also, especially in Julie Andrews’ portrayal, is a serious escape for a kid who really does not like to listen to authority. I wrote about why in this post from last year, and please forgive me for running it again because I am sick and anyway it’s been on my mind.

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Wouldn’t It Be Lice?

There were many times when it wasn’t lice. It wasn’t lice that time a neighbor’s kids had lice, and all of our heads started feeling itchy. It wasn’t lice when the preschool had a lice outbreak. It wasn’t lice when our good friends had lice three times in a row. It wasn’t lice when we got the notice from school that a classmate had lice. There were so many notices, year after year, and they all made us itchy, but none of them were lice.

And then there was the time earlier this month, when one kid just kept having an itchy head. He had an itchy head after wearing a helmet—but he was wearing a helmet! He had an itchy head after playing basketball in the playground—but he was sweaty! He had an itchy head for weeks, but we looked at his head, and we saw nothing but hair. So much hair! He kept scratching his head while he slept. He even scratched while he slept through another kid going full Exorcist in a tent in the middle of the night. He was still scratching after that other kid was finally feeling better.

This time, it would be lice.

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My Two-Decade Sunglasses

This post originally ran in June 2018. (I still have the sunglasses.)

I’ve been telling myself for a couple of years now that, when my sunglasses turned 20, they were getting their own blog post. Well, that’s sometime around now–my records aren’t too good, but it was definitely 1998 and almost definitely June–so here you go, cheap sunglasses. Thank you for your service. Let’s make it 20 more. 

I used to think of myself as the kind of person who loses things. I still feel guilty about a windbreaker I lost in 10th grade or so.
That's why getting prescription sunglasses always seemed like a bad idea. Sunglasses exist to get lost.
I got by without them when I was doing field work during the summers in college. Botanist is in focus. Rocky mountains are fuzzy.
If I wanted the mountains not to be fuzzy, I went for the double glasses. So uncool. I did this for years.
In June 1998 I saw an ad in the newspaper for cheap prescription sunglasses. I went to the store, tried on the frames - there were only two options - and took the plunge. The saleswoman says "Skikkelig Hollywood!" That means "Totally Hollywood!" I was in Norway.
The glasses stuck with me. 1998, Sightseeing in Turkey. 2002, finally learning how to drive. 2009, Bering Sea ice. 2018, walking to CVS.
I get compliments on them all the time, including this past weekend. My friend says "Nice sunglasses, Helen!" I say "Thanks!" This time it was in English.
So here we are. June of 2018. I've had the lenses swapped a few times but the frames keep going. I guess I was wrong about what kind of person I am.

Art: It’s me. All me.

Auditing Astronomy Class

It’s my mom’s birthday today, so I thought I’d revisit this post about a time when she audited an astronomy class. This semester, she’s taking French. Bon anniversaire, maman.

I’m not sure exactly where this story begins, but maybe it’s here: Sometime this summer, my mom decided to take an astronomy class. She had taken drama and philosophy classes through the Osher Lifelong Learning Institute at UC Berkeley  and audited a history of theater course. She’d heard that this particular astronomy class was aimed at non-science majors, and that the professor, Alex Filippenko, had won all sorts of teaching awards. She emailed him to see if it was okay for her to sit in – it was – and then convinced a few friends to join her.

Maybe what I should say next is that my mom has never been that interested in science. I actually didn’t know how much she didn’t like it until we talked about it recently.  In college, she filled her science requirement with comparative anatomy, a class that required dissecting frogs and cats. “I hated the smell of formaldehyde,” she said. “Dinner was right after that. I just hated it.”

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On Vulnerability

This post first ran on June 12, 2018. The need to think about predation and empathy — equal but opposite responses to vulnerability — is alive and kicking. But the online magazine referred to at the end is dead.

Early last week on Twitter, some National Security Agency posters showed up, reminding NSA employees to watch what they said.

@AnnFinkbeiner: Do NSA people really need that much reminding? They’re not reminded, they run around singing like birds?

@father_kipz:  To be honest, humans are social animals and easy to hack. The constant reminders probably do help a bit.

I have no idea who @father_kipz is and googling doesn’t help, so I don’t know his authority in these matters.  Nevertheless:

@AnnFinkbeiner:  Hackable humans.  I like that.

@father_kipz:   Hackers have a term for the process, social engineering. Basically what Kevin Mitnick was famous for.

@AnnFinkbeiner:   Had to google Mitnick. And here I thought “social engineering” was just sort of overzealous city planning. Hoo boy, that stuff is NASTY.

Kevin Mitnick is a hacker whose methods are apparently based less on cleverness about computers than on his ability to scam people.  From a post at Big Think:  “By the age of 12, he was adept at “social engineering,” which is to human beings as hacking is to computers. You find their vulnerabilities – trust, mainly – and exploit them.”

“Vulnerable” comes from a Latin word that means “to maim, to wound.” So Mitnick’s kind of social engineer exploits the places at which other people can be wounded, in particular, their trust.  Exploiting someone’s trust is as good a working definition of human evil as I’ve seen.  But it’s neither surprising nor unusual, and I’m not talking about fudging on your taxes or lying to the competition or spying on bad guys.  I’m talking about people who look you in the eye and lie and then say, “Well too bad, you trusted me.”  If I were God, I’d consider a nice cleansing flood.

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Stop Underestimating Chickens

Re-running this piece as a reminder for all of us to appreciate even our fowl-est friends. (See what I did there?)


One of my favorite things about my usual writing beat (living things) is that we humans never stop learning new things about animals. We’re even still discovering species that are new to science. (Check out the glorious ruby sea dragon, previously known only from beach corpses, and Hoolock tianxing, a gibbon just determined to be its own species that, sadly, comes into its own already labeled endangered.)

While “new” is good, I get most jazzed over discoveries about species we already know, or think we know. A few recent bits in the news: Dogs really do get the meaning of words, not just of the tone of voice that accompanies them (which is also cool). Macaques understand the limits of their own memory. Bats’ endless cave chatter is complex and full of bickering.

And sometimes the findings flip long-held assumptions on their heads. Continue reading

How to Fail the Pre-K Entrance Exams

As many of you know, I’m a pretty big deal journalist. I mean, not the kind of big deal whose name or stories you might recognize. Or who even writes for outlets you might recognize. But still, a pretty big deal.

And like any big deal journalist, I have confidential sources. Super secret ones. Like, so confidential that even my thinking of them right now might be a breach. That’s how confidential they are.

Anyway, one of my sources told me a story that I thought I would share with you today. His name is Erin. Erin, um, Vace. Totally a real person. Who’s also confidential. And a woman, now that I think of it.

Anyway, Erin has top level security clearance, which is why she’s my confidential source. That’s right, I don’t bother with anyone below Collateral Secret. She did two tours in Afghanistan, one in Iraq and one in a war zone so secret no one even knows the country’s name. She’s been undercover with the Mexican cartels, ISIS and the Russian oligarchs.

But nothing could prepare her for switching preschools mid-year.

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