Wallace Stegner wrote, “Seen in geological perspective, we are fossils in the making, to be eventually exposed again for the puzzlement of creatures of later eras.”
That’s if you’re astronomically lucky. Most of us turn to dust or ash, and the bones we leave are eaten by roots. Few get to be fossils.
If you’re interested in making a trilobite of yourself, skeleton turned to mineral and revealed by some future wind or eroding seashore, here’s how:
Bury yourself in accumulating sediment. Slow outsides of river bends or muddy deltas will do. Think, 80 miles southeast of New Orleans. Time it with a big sediment flush, a storm or a flood. But don’t disarticulate before settling into the muck. If you want all of yourself together, not just a bone or two found near each other, make sure you are packed into matter before sharks scatter you across the ocean floor.
If detailed fossilization is the hope, there’s a recipe. The best preserved fossils, including hair, skin, and feathers, are mostly made of apatite, a phosphate-based mineral that requires oxygen to form. This comes from a study published last November. Looking at a remarkably preserved shallow marine environment from the Jurassic, found in Alberta, Canada, researchers determined that burial was in an oxygen-starved environment, under the sea floor, then oxygen somehow entered the equation, forming precise mineral structures of green and purplish apatite. Where the oxygen comes from is unclear. Maybe take a big gulp of air before you go under.
In the bigger picture, look for cool spots on the planet, relaxed tectonics. This is important. If the land is rising, like a mountain range or a plateau, you’ll be exposed and weather out within an epoch or two, which is fine if you’re into that sort of timeline. If you’d prefer dinosaur age, a good 65 million years, you’ll want tectonic deflation, a sinking crust. This allows ample sediment to gather above you, adding weight and pressure, and plenty of surface to be stripped off later, exposing what lies below.
But don’t sink too much. You don’t want to be near Earth’s mantle where rock heats, bends, and twists. Fossils in metamorphosed rock look like crystals or holes, original structure gone. The rock must remain sedimentary.
Equally important, the land must rise at some point much later, a tectonic reversal. Deeply buried geology must be pushed to the surface, out of the earth and into the air where weather strips it away. The summit of Mount Everest is made of 400-million-year-old limestone uplifted from the bottom of the Tethys Sea, and it carries bits of crinoids and trilobites. That could be you. By then, you might produce a tooth or a knuckle, but it would be worth it.
A whole skeleton would be nice, but land animals are not nearly as good as, say, fish. Marine creatures have practically endless fields of sea floor in which to bury themselves, a constant snow of diatoms and silt, while us ground walkers are ravaged by the upper world. Up here, you’ve got to pick your spot just right.
Who will be around in 65 million years to ponder your iron-dark jaw coming out of the ground? What future race of ant people or anemones will dust you off and wonder what you are? You have to discard the question. You shouldn’t think too hard about the audience. Do your finest work for the sake of the art itself. If you end up eroding for no one, the sky is a worthy finder.
Hang out around river deltas.
Move to Louisiana.
Better yet, be a fish.
Art by permission, Ray Troll
Most importantly do not be cremated. I choose South of New Orleans, but there are doggone rules.
I will try not to worry too much about becoming a fossil. My grandchildren think I’m already there.
Just aim for mummy status and a couple thousand year timeline on the outside. Wrap yourself in a good Patagonia fleece and leave your iPhone in your pocket. They’ll probably be able to review your sim card.
I still believed in traditional way. So my fossil remains
The Best way to become a fossiled on Earth, is display yourself into the any Museum, where Earthlings will see you forever, or else become a Saint like Saint Bernadette ,Saint Pier Giorgo, the Saint tha is carried into a World Youth Event.
Thanks it waa very helpful
Fossil or mummy, hmmm how about being launched into space and being found by aliens
There has to be scientific ways to shorten the fossilization process, if you do wish to be around on earth in a presentable form…there are too much uncertainties along the way if you just let nature do the job.
Is this why Ganga has the deal of dead bodies? We have been told from childhood that it is better to die in Kashi than anhwhere else in the world. Now, I know why. A river bed handy enough, and the Himalayan range.
Quite a deep post
I need to read twice to process it fully.
This is an hilarious way to teach the intricacies of fossilization
You could go the Buddhist Monk route and slowly preserve yourself through the consumption of a honey mead and meditation until you expire. Great post, fun and educational..i love it!
i couldnt discard the question of who my audience will be.
Well said….
“The world has used me so unkindly, I fear it has made me suspicious of everyone.”
― Mary Anning
Beautifully crafted.
Y don’t care.
My body goes to science.
The Best way to become a fossiled on Earth, is display yourself into the any Museum, where Earthlings will see you forever, or else become a Saint like Saint Bernadette ,Saint Pier Giorgo, the Saint that is carried into a World Youth Event, last time i saw it in the year 2008 world youth day in Sydney, Australia.
Such a great post. It was so detailed and my imagination followed you with every word you wrote. Thank you for the journey!
It was fun reading this! I appreciate your efforts!
The best way to be remembered is to die a heroic death.
Many people think I’ve already attained fossil status. Some think I was there by age 30!
A nicely crafted piece. Well done
Nice
Everything is recycled and unite to the universe at the end
This is awesome! I wish I’d found a work like this years ago when fossils were a big part of my job! Thank you!
Teaching fossils in a humorous way. Lovely.
Enlightening!