Manifesto of a Wasp Scientist

All characters are fictional and should not be confused with real scientists. I especially ask that no bee researcher take offense. We science writers would shrivel up and die if you stopped talking to us. I sat alone again in the cafeteria again today. Ordered the schnitzel. No one wanted to sit next to me. […]

How to Fail the Pre-K Entrance Exams

As many of you know, I’m a pretty big deal journalist. I mean, not the kind of big deal whose name or stories you might recognize. Or who even writes for outlets you might recognize. But still, a pretty big deal. And like any big deal journalist, I have confidential sources. Super secret ones. Like, […]

Grickle Grass

Finding a decent bedtime story to read to your kid is harder than you might think. Most childrens books are either pointless (Superman likes red! Superman likes blue!), overproduced (A book with buttons and recorded dinosaur sounds! Wait, who made these recordings?), boring (Pokey the Bear showed Susie she had the strength the whole time!), […]

The Journal of a Middle-Aged, Middle-Management, Sub-Atomic Particle

This story first ran January 17, 2019. It’s about a quark. Any resemblance to the author is purely coincidental. In fact, any perceived real-world parallels reflect more on the reader’s personal issues than the writer’s, don’t you think? You know what, stop judging me. It’s been a rough couple billion years. I don’t know why, […]

Snark Week: Literally the Most Terrifying Creature on Earth

Imagine I was to describe a creature to you. Something truly terrifying. Something out of a nightmare that no amount of drunken elves could wash away. It’s small enough to hide almost anywhere in your house but big enough to crawl up onto your bed at night. It drools, shits and pisses everywhere it goes. […]

Be Ashamed of Your Hard Tears

To be a parent is to get jerked around. Toy manufacturers jerk you around into buying useless crap. Other parents jerk you around making you worry you live in the wrong zip code. The kids themselves jerk you around into buying that second scoop of blueberry brontosaurus crunch with rainbow sprinkles. And, of course, Hollywood […]

The Youth Bulge

Being married to an economist means many things. For one, it means losing a lot of arguments. Economists are like the physicists of the social scientists. They insist that, when you boil off everything else, their discipline is the one the perfectly describes how everything works. It also means that you get to hear a […]

Conversation: Erik Plays Chess with Squirrels (UPDATED*)

One day Erik and I were chatting happily about birds and birdfeeders, all sweet reason and collegiality.  Then he said he’d found a squirrel-proof birdfeeder. And the conversation turned dark. Words were said in haste. We eventually calmed down enough to state our cases in a pleasant, civilized manner. [NOW WITH UPDATES. See below*] E: […]