The Last Word On Nothing

Most days we here at the Last Word on Nothing write engaging non-fiction about the scientific questions of our age that vex us and inspire us. Most days we blend excellent reporting with excellent writing told with heart, guts, and a dash of humanity. Most days, you the reader get to the end of one of our stories and feel smarter than when you started.

This is not one of those days. I give you …

 

Erik Vance and his wife Liz prepare for an adventure: Age 29.

Erik: Harness?

Liz: Check.

Erik: Extra carabiners?

Liz: Check.

Erik: Rack?

Liz: Check.

Erik: Guidebook?

Liz: Che … wait that one’s for Joshua Tree.

Erik: Liz, we can’t climb if we don’t have the right guidebook.

Liz: Here we go – Yosemite Free Climbs.

Erik: Okay, I’ve got the sunblock.

Liz: Hey, did you bring the webbing?

Erik: Naw, I’ll just use the cordelettes. I think the anchors are short. We’ll make do – I want to go light.

Liz: Which rope are we bringing?

Erik: I think the 10.5 single Mammut should work.

Liz: You sure? If we have to rappel we’re screwed.

Erik: Let’s live dangerously. You have food?

Liz: Plenty. Two Clif bars and a bag of peanuts. Plus an orange and some chocolate.

Erik: Cool, we’ll never go through all that.

Liz: Are you sure you want to do the East Buttress of El Capitan? That’s a long day and pretty hard.

Erik: Absolutely. I have a deep need to crush that route. I’ve waited long enough.

Liz: Okay, okay, just don’t blame me when you are 30 feet run out on sketchy protection and watching your life flash in front of your eyes.

Erik: Whatever.

Liz: I’ve got the helmets.

Erik: Water? Compass? Emergency gear?

Liz: Check. Check. Check.

Erik: Okay, I have the quickdraws, climbing shoes, and headlamp, in case we get stuck on the mountain after dark.

Liz: Okay, let’s get on the trail!

Erik: All set!

Liz: Hey, are those thunderclouds?

Erik: Oh shit.

 

Erik Vance and his wife Liz prepare for an adventure: Age 39.

Erik: Diapers?

Liz: Check.

Erik: Extra bibs?

Liz: Check.

Erik: Baby wipes?

Liz: Check.

Erik: Peek-a-boo Forest?

Liz: Yea … wait, no, I have Good Night Moon.

Erik: Liz, we can’t go anywhere without Peek-a-boo Forest.

Liz: Here we go – Peek-a-boo Forest. Got it.

Erik: Okay, I’ve got the sunblock.

Liz: Hey, did you bring the baby carrier?

Erik: No, I’ll just use my arms. What, do you think I’m insane? I have the carrier, the backpack and the sling. Plus the SaddleBaby. You think that’s enough? What if it’s not enough?

Liz: Which stuffed animal are we bringing?

Erik: I thought the stuffed zebra with the dangly mirror bits should work.

Liz: You sure? If he wants the fox with the crackly tail we are screwed.

Erik: Let’s live dangerously. You have food?

Liz: Some. Strained peas, mango, sweet potato, beet puree, apple sauce, pear sauce, a blended chicken/spinach mix, and two bananas. Plus eight ounces of formula, water and yogurt.

Erik: Honestly, I’m not sure that will be enough.

Liz: Are you sure you want to go all the way to the park? That’s a long way and he’s tired.

Erik: Absolutely! I really really need to get outside. Anywhere. I just, I just, just need to get out. It’s been so very long since I saw the sun. (A tear starts to form in his eye.)

Liz: Okay, okay, just don’t cry. Really, I can’t deal with two crying boys in this house.

Erik: Sweet Jesus, thank you. Thank you so much.

Liz: I’ve got the burp rags.

Erik: Water? Onesies? Emergency rattle and squeaky toy?

Liz: Check. Check. Check.

Erik: Okay, I have the bottles, nipples, and shade blanket, in case we get stuck out there after naptime.

Liz: Okay, he’s in the stroller and it’s all loaded up. To the park!

Erik: All set!

Liz: Hey, what’s that smell?

Erik: Oh shit.