Q: What happened before the Big Bang?
Mr. Cosmology: If I told you, God would have to kill you.
Q: What is time?
Mr. Cosmology: Is 9:30.
Q: I just bought a telescope. Do you have any advice for a first-time sky watcher?
Mr. Cosmology: What happens in Vega, stays in Vega.
Q: How many stars are there in the universe?
Mr. Cosmology: Count all the grains of sand on Earth. When you’re done, I’ll tell you.
Q: If all distant galaxies are moving away from us, doesn’t that mean we’re at the center of the universe?
Mr. Cosmology: If you’re at a party in someone’s living room and everybody is moving away from you, does that mean you’re the center of attention?
Q: If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Mr. Cosmology: The kitchen, apparently.
Q: What’s the uncertainty principle?
Mr. Cosmology: I’m not sure.
Q: Is there also a certainty principle?
Mr. Cosmology: A watched pot never boils.
Q: How do you drive a cosmologist crazy?
Mr. Cosmology: Put her in a saddle-shaped universe and tell her there’s an NSF grant in the corner.
Q: What’s outside the universe?
Mr. Cosmology: The cops. One of the neighbors must have complained about the noise coming from the kitchen.
I see we’ve met the same Mr. Cosmology. I love that picture.
I have this sneaking suspicion that cosmologists really don’t know a whole lot about anything, but succeed in appearing knowledgeable by being uniquely adept at dodging direct questions.
Mike P: Hmm. Can’t say your comment matches my experience. But thanks for writing.
I was hoping to find out why April is the cruelest month, because I thought that was something a cosmologist would know.
I can see from Ms. Cosmology’s attire that she is as prosperous as the rest of us.
Anyway, this is fun, and a little levity helps.
George C.
Richard: It appears my joke fell flat.
Oops. I think after reading your comment I became concerned that cosmologist friends of mine would think I was mocking them. Sorry for being dense!
I have a question for MR. Cosmology: What came first, the chicken or the egg?
Yes.
It was indeed an interesting an interesting conversation. But, I doubt some of his answer.
Wonderful questions and smart answers!
From Stephen Hawking’s ‘Into The Universe’, if Black Holes are accepted
as reality, which I agree, and the singularity was essentially the ultimate
Black Hole, how/why could/did it ‘explode’, unless there was some higher
power in the universe? And if the singularity exploded with such force that
the expansion after just 10 minutes was out to ‘a thousand light years’
[stated in the show], doesn’t that violate one tenant of the Special Theory of
Relativity that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light? Quite a
conundrum… Thanks and Cheers, Bob
Thanks for the comment, Bob.
Unlike in the post, I’ll try to provide serious answers. I can’t vouch for their thoroughness.
1. In quantum mechanics, there’s no such thing as “nothing.” Virtual particles are popping into and out of existence all the time; numerous experiments have validated their existence. One of those particles could become a universe. The universe, wrote the physicist Edward P. Tryon, who came up with this idea in the 1970s, “is simply one of those things which happen from time to time.” I can’t say that this interpretation has reached the consensus stage, but it’s pretty well accepted as a likely scenario. In any case, the existence of the universe doesn’t imply “some higher power in the universe.”
2. While special relativity places a speed-of-light limit on velocity, general relativity allows for objects in expanding space to move apart from each other at superluminal velocities. In fact, we see this effect all the time. Here’s a particularly accessible explanation:
“I find the balloon analogy to be helpful. Exaggerating the expansion speed for simplicity — if the balloon (universe) is expanding at a rate such that distance between objects increases by say, one percent per year, then after 100 years everything will be twice as far away as it was. So an object that was 200 light years away on this giant balloon 100 years ago is now 400 light years away. It has apparently moved 200 light years in 100 years, a recession speed of twice the speed of light. With respect to local space it remained stationary, there is just more space due to the expansion of the universe. If the universe is large enough and expanding even at a slow rate, superluminal recession speeds at great distances are unavoidable.”
Source: http://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=228049
Hope this helps,
Richard
I liked this. Very Zen-like punch lines.
I think every model we make tells us how our mind works, as much as it tells us about the universe. Our models are just human symbolic games. The universe itself is bigger than any of our models. On the other hand, I could be missing the point entirely. Or perhaps both, at the same time. But it’s what this post made me think about 🙂